Generic School of Wrestling - I
Jul 24, 2018 13:40:05 GMT -8
Foreign Terrortory, highspothero, and 1 more like this
Post by genericheel on Jul 24, 2018 13:40:05 GMT -8
~~From deep within the bowels of his secret volcano lair, THE GENERIC HEEL pontificates on the state of professional wrestling via the grainy footage of a flip phone~~
But lint, buttons, and spare change aren’t GOOD ENOUGH for the kids today, now is it? Oh no, no no. They have to do things like take pictures of themselves IN THEIR UNDERWEAR and put it up for ALL the world to see in hopes that some loser will send them money to some paypal account, however the hell THAT works, or buy them something off their wish list. And they are somehow still WRESTLERS. Why, back in MY day, if you wanted to make some extra scratch on the side, you sold your shirts and gimmicks at some folding table outside, or perhaps slept with one of the less desirable rats in hopes that she would give you a place to sleep that night. But not the fat ones, though. No fatties is Rule #1.
But now the kids today have all these projects of theirs and it is just an ABOMINATION to the great sport of wrestling. Why, doing things like taking pictures by a pool and calling it “training” like that Jazmin broad does, or taking a picture of you biting your lip and thinking that wins you championships like that OTHER broad, Talia, does, seems to be the order of the day. Pffft. Cha. Only thing that kind of activity is going to get them is pregnant! And very likely by me, the Generic Heel. Because that’s kinda what I do, ya see. Lots of Little GHs around the world, ya know. The Great Child Support Dodger, some people call me.
Now, I didn’t mean to get on a rant here or anything about how much the modern day wrestler sucks, and while I imagine that all of these young fillas are great at other kinds of sucking, but I just can’t help it. You see, at my wrestling school, the Generic School of Wrestling, we teach people how to actually, ya know, WRESTLE. And I’m really good at it! Why, just ask Johnny Bonecrusher how much I have taught him over the long years of my career. But all these modern schools of wrestling, like that there Nightfall school, or that Anderson thing out in Vegas, all they teach is how to do your hair right and pose for a picture! Harrumph, to that. Harrumph, I say!
Seriously, take this Melody chick that is going to be my next conquest. Now, I don’t know if she came from one of them new fangled schools where they teach about how to use one of those selfie sticks the right way or now to hit your spot JUST RIGHT when your pyro goes off, but she certainly seems as obsessed with that kinda dumb shit as any other. Hell, it looks like she spends more time making sure that her entrance attire is JUST RIGHT than she does about winning matches! Hell, at MY school, we don’t even bother TEACHING hygiene! Back in MY day, wrestlers smelled like WRESTLERS, dangit! And we LOOKED like them, too! None of this fancy workout attire with brands or sparkling tights like she has. Nope! We wore black trunks and black boots, and once you got to a level of sexy like I am, you got to upgrade to a different color or something.
I mean, really, this chick is the kind of person who may look smokin’ hawt on a magazine cover but not be able to BUY herself a win! And I mean that: She absolutely looks smokin’ hawt on that magazine cover! Not enough boobs, though. The gimmick team needs to work on that. Anyway, looks great on a magazine, but a waste of space as far as being a wrestler is concerned. I mean, not only does this chick lose out to someone with a name as dumb as Equinox, but she can’t even win a freakin’ 3-on-2 handicap match! Honestly, how do you let a handicap match in the main event go to a no-decision?! And then! Holy hell. Loses to Jack freakin’ Tillman over in King’s Road. I’m telling you, EVERYONE beats that guy. Even fake
chicks! But this Melody braud CAN’T?!I guess in the end, the Great GH has to thank the boss here in...er...whatever this company is called today. Seriously, it got a little confusing there. Er...anyway...I should thank him. I mean, GH the Great doesn’t need free or easy wins. Undefeated in 27 years in the business! 48-time world’s champion without dropping the title even once! So, I was going to steamroll over whoever my first opponent was here, anyway. Especially if it was Johnny. But bossman, whoever the hell THAT is, gave me an underhanded slowball without even the hint of a break in it. After all, we’re talking about the MOST decorated champion in the HISTORY of the business going one-on-one with some braud who does dumb shit like post buttpics from the gym. So while I don’t NEED fluffer wins like that, I suppose I DO appreciate them. So, thanks, boss!
And on the bright side, since bossman DID hand me a win that I don’t even need to think about beyond doing one of those el oh els that the kids do after taking even five seconds to look at this Melody braud, I can stay focused on what REALLY matters: Bringing Johnny Bonecrusher some legitimacy! Why, this poor student of mine, who is SO CLOSE to being as good as my OTHER great padawan, Angie “I gets ALL da pussy” Vaughn, is just ITCHING for me to put ALL of my attention on him. He needs me to blow on his soup so that he doesn’t burn his mouth. He needs me to make sure his shoes are on the correct foot. He needs me to hold him close when the lightning and thunder scare him and whisper little words of encouragement into his orange ear.
And AFTER I defeat the Melody braud in less than 27 seconds and pass more of my pearls of wisdom to my SECOND greatest student, I will be able to focus on MORE IMPORTANT things. Like winning my 49th world championship by defeating Maki. Already know how I am going to do it, too. Gonna slip her some D. Word on the streets is that she’s looking for some D. So I will give her LOTS of D. TONS of D. More D than she realizes she needed. Its okay, Maki: Papa GH is here to soothe your pains from getting dumped by AMC with lots and lots and LOTS of D.
Hey, speaking of chicks who need some D, what happened to that Brit chick? Bet she could use a big ol’ dose. D the THOT pics right out of her.
Hey, maybe this is what I will do with Melody. Beat her so hard and bad that she never does another useless, pathetic, “please like my body; I am so empty on the inside; WHY DADDY WHY?!” post on social media ever again. Beat her up so bad that she actually spends some time being a wrestler and not some afterthought. I’d do the whole business some good then.
Yep, that’s the new plan:
Gonna take Melody to school.
The Generic School of Wrestling.
Because I’m the owner and head trainer of the school. In case you hadn’t figured that part out, yet.
I’m going to show her footage of me winning the world title in the Omni back in ‘76. That was a classic match, ya know. I stalled for 15 minutes before I even GOT INTO the ring. And then made sure that the ref checked the Ol’ Stomper for any objects of the foreign nature. And when the ref’s back was turned, I thumbed Ol’ Stomper in the eye and rolled him up. That dastardly face kicked out, though, but there was no stopping the most dangerous finish of all time:
The piledriver!
Oh, and another thi-
